Screaming Bloody Murder

This article was inspired by a youtube video I watched on my phone in bed at 5am this morning. Unlike most guys who may start their day in an entirely different way, I usually spend an hour or two watching car clips and videos. Now, I’ve always been into evil cars, way before the ‘murdered out’ look took hold, and by ‘took hold’, I mean all the celebs and the whole car wrapping deal.

Because of the ‘murdered out’ tag and fad, it seems I’m among a minority who actually understand what a true ‘murdered out’ car is. There are certain esoteric rules that have to be adhered to if a car is to be accepted into the’murdered out’ gang. First off, if your name is David Beckham or Justin – I can’t even get a speeding ticket in a Lambo – Bieber, then kindly f**k off. If you are a fan and think Beckham’s Porcshe or Bieber’s Caddy are ‘murdered out’, then I implore you to do the same.

Never mind the Porsche, just take a look at the car above – it’s a Cadillac CTS-V. It’s Cadillac’s fast and expensive warrior sent to challenge zi German’s AMG and ///M badges. It’s supposed to be a shiny and luxurious car, a hi-tech machine that can be turned into a track car at a touch of a button. The Matte black wrap is hideous – it’s like handing James Bond a shovel and asking him to dig a grave for the last person he shot.

Before I waste your time by trying to explain what these esoteric rules include, please check out the video below.

Enjoy? I did, no matter how early it was, and despite what other manly activities take place at this time in the morning, I could’ve done the same over this car.

A ‘murdered out’ car can’t be forced; it can’t be a new car wrapped in black. It has to have presence, a character, as though it could start up on its own and take a slow and ominous cruise around town – think Christine on fire and taking herself back to Darnell’s DIY garage, think of other movies such as, The Car, Duel and even Jeeper’s Creepers (notice the Caddy’s horn in the vid?). In fact, now I’ve mentioned Stephen King, I’ve just remembered a short story of his, Mile 81, a tale featuring a mud-covered station wagon (which was strange because there hadn’t been any rain in the area for over a week) that veers into the Mile 81 rest area, ignoring the sign that says “closed, no services.” The driver’s door opens but nobody gets out. This is the kind of eerie presence a true ‘murdered out’ car should possess.

Anyway, I’ll leave you with a short clip that will give you another accurate idea of what a real murder car is all about – it’ll definitely put a smile on your face.

Customise (But for the love of God) Don’t Change Her Character

Gargling Gas truly believes that cars have feelings… which means a car has a character just like you and I. With that said, how many poor and distraught cars do you see trundling around town where its owner has decided against its innate character and forced a styling that compromises the car’s true personality?

There are many characters within the automotive world, from cute to angry, sensible to sporty, and to badly customise a car to the point of trying to make it something it isn’t should be punishable by law.

Take this Rolls Royce Phantom below, for example. It fell into the hands of a celebrity sports person (NFL), therefore was in imminent danger of being meddled with in all the wrong ways from the start. The Lambo just about gets away with it, as it is a menacing, sleek and aggressive supercar.

And then there’s this two tone effort below, which I am too distressed to talk about.

A Rolls Royce is a regal and proud machine, its heritage brimming with words like quality, opulence, comfort, perfection etc… It is the best of the best made from the earth’s finest materials. A Rolls Royce was designed to go from A to B silently, on a magic carpet, accelerating smoothly as though cutting through a cloud of silk. Hours should be spent polishing her, not hours of praying birds don’t defecate on her and ruin the matte finish.

“Murdering Out” a Roller is like forcing the Queen into leather and white stilettos – it doesn’t work, although I’d like to see that.

Wow, I may have to take all that back now… never mind.