Ashes To Ashes: Cadillac Hearse From Hell

This rather splendid Cadillac is known as the Alexis Funker Hearse. The owner is a kind of odd character, and rather me explain why – although judging by this machine, it’s not hard to understand why – visit Alexis Funker Hearse and watch their videos.

They have recently fitted a new flamethrower. Their plan it to eventually fit the entire perimeter of the roof with piping that will emit a dense ring of flames around the entire edge of the roof.

Is this road legal? I’m sure this would fail an M.O.T emissions test.

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Get Me To The Funeral On Time

1970 Dodge Challenger Hearse

1970 Dodge Challenger Hearse – ebodies.blogspot.co.uk

Apart from the handful of models not successfully making the transition from car to hearse, most manage to convey a look comprised of the adjectives, grand, regal, sinister and evil. The stretched black vehicles, gliding their occupants’ empty shells to their final place of rest also naturally earn big respect.

I’ve had my fair share of experience driving hearses, as I once worked as funeral assistant. In fact, my post, The Dead Travel Fast, catalogues my tales of woe concerning the transportation of corpses.

1967 Jaguar XK-E 4.2 Series I

1967 Jaguar XK-E 4.2 Series I

One of my personal favourite hearses comes from the 1971 comedy Harold and Maude, a Jaguar his mother buys him after she disapproves of his first choice of car, a Caddy hearse. Not best pleased, Harold transforms his gift into a sports hearse.

Hearse From Hell

Hearse From Hell

Taking of Cadillacs, take the monster above, for example, the love child of Ghostbusters and Mad Max. Known as the Alexis Funker Hearse, this fire-breathing death machine just highlights what can be done with a little inspiration and versatility – hearses may be long and black, but they can be made to suit all walks of life.

About a year ago, I wrote a post simply titled, What Car Would You Be Buried In?, understanding the special bond between car guys and their pride and joys.

I think if I couldn’t be buried in my favourite car, I’d like to know my corpse took its last final ride in it.

Death & Dodgem

Death & Dodgem

So, my morbid and twisted followers, what car would you turn into a hearse, knowing it was going to be your final ride?

 

 

 

Video

Screaming Bloody Murder

This article was inspired by a youtube video I watched on my phone in bed at 5am this morning. Unlike most guys who may start their day in an entirely different way, I usually spend an hour or two watching car clips and videos. Now, I’ve always been into evil cars, way before the ‘murdered out’ look took hold, and by ‘took hold’, I mean all the celebs and the whole car wrapping deal.

Because of the ‘murdered out’ tag and fad, it seems I’m among a minority who actually understand what a true ‘murdered out’ car is. There are certain esoteric rules that have to be adhered to if a car is to be accepted into the’murdered out’ gang. First off, if your name is David Beckham or Justin – I can’t even get a speeding ticket in a Lambo – Bieber, then kindly f**k off. If you are a fan and think Beckham’s Porcshe or Bieber’s Caddy are ‘murdered out’, then I implore you to do the same.

Never mind the Porsche, just take a look at the car above – it’s a Cadillac CTS-V. It’s Cadillac’s fast and expensive warrior sent to challenge zi German’s AMG and ///M badges. It’s supposed to be a shiny and luxurious car, a hi-tech machine that can be turned into a track car at a touch of a button. The Matte black wrap is hideous – it’s like handing James Bond a shovel and asking him to dig a grave for the last person he shot.

Before I waste your time by trying to explain what these esoteric rules include, please check out the video below.

Enjoy? I did, no matter how early it was, and despite what other manly activities take place at this time in the morning, I could’ve done the same over this car.

A ‘murdered out’ car can’t be forced; it can’t be a new car wrapped in black. It has to have presence, a character, as though it could start up on its own and take a slow and ominous cruise around town – think Christine on fire and taking herself back to Darnell’s DIY garage, think of other movies such as, The Car, Duel and even Jeeper’s Creepers (notice the Caddy’s horn in the vid?). In fact, now I’ve mentioned Stephen King, I’ve just remembered a short story of his, Mile 81, a tale featuring a mud-covered station wagon (which was strange because there hadn’t been any rain in the area for over a week) that veers into the Mile 81 rest area, ignoring the sign that says “closed, no services.” The driver’s door opens but nobody gets out. This is the kind of eerie presence a true ‘murdered out’ car should possess.

Anyway, I’ll leave you with a short clip that will give you another accurate idea of what a real murder car is all about – it’ll definitely put a smile on your face.

Video

Knoxville Knows A Cool Ride When He Sees One

When it comes to cars I don’t fall into a category or genre. Some may assume I’m a WRX/EVO yob, yet I spend a lot of time drooling over muscle cars. Drifting YouTube videos take up the majority of my recreational viewing, yet I read about British classics and restorations. One minute I might be watching a review of the latest SRT Viper, and the next, an instalment of Street Outlaws and the 1000+bhp drag monsters. You may spot me dragging my jaw across a field at a classic car show, but there are occasions you won’t see me at all when I’m surreptitiously rubbing up against the rear end of a 60s Alfa Spyder.

I get the impression Johnny Knoxville possesses the same attitude towards cars, as apart from his love for Ferraris, he is always seen in beaten up 70s classics such as the Cadillac and Lincoln. His first car was a red 65 Mustang, and although he thought that was a great car, it’s his current 70 Cadillac Eldorado (pictured HERE) he loves the most. Johnny also owns a brand new Caddy, but when Top Gear asked what modelhe didn’t have a clue.

The Gumball 3000 rally has also seen the American Daredevil in different cars. Pictured above are part of MTV’s Jackass crew chilling on a battered Jaguar XJ6, a car Knoxville nabbed from a chop shop at the last minute. In 2005 Knoxville appeared in a movie adaption of the 80s TV series, The Dukes Of Hazzard, and in the same year, he took on the Gumball 3000 in his ‘General Lee’ Ferrari 575.

Another recent movie, Bad Grandpa, saw Johnny drive around in a 1970 mint green Lincoln Continental – after some time trying to find the perfect car for the movie and character, Knoxville’s love for the 70s boxy bodies eventually selected the boat pictured below.

So you see, this guy does have a natural eye for cool rides – he has the ability to spot that X Factor, something that doesn’t necessarily need millions of dollars to obtain.

I’ll leave you with this 30 minute documentary entitled Detroit Lives, a film focussing on the once thriving ‘Motor City’. It’s a little depressing but it does feature Knoxville cruising in a cool Caddy convertible.